 |
| FREE ARTICLE |
HOW TO TAME TOXIC EMOTIONS
As spring and summer arrive, we dust out shelves,
clear out clutter and spruce up our homes.
With all this attention to our surroundings,
it’s little surprise that we barely take time
to do some decluttering on the inside. You
know, sweep away those negative emotions that
throw us for a loop. Too often we’re busy
with the practicalities of the day to analyze
the abstractions.
But unresolved negative emotions can result
in poor health, broken relationships and unfulfilled
dreams. Here, we show you how to cleanse five
toxic emotions and get back to feeling centered.
Anger
What’s the score? “Anger
has different faces, frustration, self pity,”
says Dr. James Miklos of the New Hope Counselling
Centre in Ontario. “It can be slow simmering
thoughts on the back burner.” Other factors
that may trigger temper tantrums include having
unreasonable expectations, feeling you can’t
control what’s happening in your life, or
wounded pride. Everyone feels emotions such
as anger at some point. However, emotions
become toxic when you can’t let them go; they’re
as much a part of you as your hairstyle or
stride.
The fallout: It’s no coincidence
feelings are often explained physiologically
— “My blood was boiling,” or “I was about
to explode.” Emotions spring from thoughts
in the brain, which trigger bodily responses
— explaining how posture, tone of voice and
facial expression can reveal our emotions
— it's the mind-body connection at work. “With
anger, for instance, you’re actually wearing
your body down, because you’re pumping adrenaline
through it,” says Miklos, “It creates undue
stress on your body; you’re in a hyper-alert
mode, constantly tense.”
And constant tension can lead to a slew of
health problems, from back pain, to change
in appetite, extreme fatigue, anxiety and
ulcers. Anger also narrows your perspective,
which makes you impossible to reason with.
Not exactly a fun ride for the people in your
life. Beyond desiring to dodge any direct
hits, people simply won’t want to get stuck
under that cloud of fury that surrounds you.
What to do? A good first step to
take is to remove yourself from the situation,
if possible. If your friend always nitpicks
about your home and it’s driving you up your
newly faux-finished walls, invite her over
less — go for walks in the park together or
dine at her place instead.
If you can’t escape a particular situation
that’s increasing your ire, like your job
or a nightmare neighbor, get moving. “Physical
exercise is good because you’re cleansing
your body,” says Miklos. “Endorphins and dopamine
[produced during exercise] make you feel better
so you can handle challenges better.” Meditation
and prayer can also help you cope. Miklos
states that people who pray daily and meditate
claim they feel calmer, more confident and
relaxed.
Of course, few emotions are resolved overnight.
So if anger has been your companion for a
while, you may want to speak to a professional.
According to Miklos, emotions are tied to
core beliefs, which are early life experiences
that influence how we respond. Therapy can
help resolve core beliefs, opening up new
ways of resolving toxic emotions and reactions.
Envy
What’s the score? Everyone
comments on your sister-in-law’s beauty and
her meticulous home. Everyone, but you. Deep
inside you feel that other people’s achievements
or gifts are personal slights against you.
“Envy involves resenting the goods…talents…that
other people possess,” writes Daniel Goleman
in Healing Emotions: Conversations with
the Dalai Lama on Mindfulness, Emotions and
Health. The seed of envy is a sense of
not measuring up, of not being “as worthy.”
It’s also inextricably tied to competitiveness.
The fallout: Short, intermittent
envy is pretty ordinary, not good, but ordinary.
Your colleague gets a coveted project you
wanted, or your brother is having his third
child and you and your partner are still trying…these
are likely to stir your green-eyed monster
for a brief period. But if your envy causes
you to badmouth your colleague or constantly
deride your brother’s parenting, well you’ve
got a few issues. Envy is also an emptying
emotion — even if you were to acquire what
you envied in someone else, you’d likely start
feeling envious about something else. It’s
a bottomless pit.
What to do: It won’t be easy, but
try to befriend the person you resent. According
to Rabbi Nilton Bonder, author of The
Kabbalah of Envy, “all envy springs from
a ‘short-circuit’ of love.” Let your colleague
know she can count on you if she needs help
with the project. Or, try learning from the
person you envy, if what she has is really
important to you. If you want that showcase
home, ask your sister-in-law her secret. Also,
stop looking outside for validation. Instead,
pinpoint five or six things that make you
unique and start appreciating them.
Fear
What’s the score? We all
feel fear in myriad situations, from the time
we’re born, to perhaps our last breath. It’s
a primary emotion — often a first reaction
to some stimuli like a snake or the dark.
And it can also be a good thing, for instance
as a flight mechanism from a fire or attacker.
But fear’s also a secondary emotion — a learned
reaction. For instance, if you’ve faced heartbreak
before, thoughts of being hurt or disappointed
may give you cold feet when it comes to committing
to someone else. In this case, fear’s tied
to a core belief.
The fallout: In its less harmful
form fear can disappear as quickly as it appeared.
But the chronic variety can create anxiety,
social paralysis (like not wanting to take
chances or try something new), or lead to
anger or hatred. As Miklos sums it up: “Fear
makes you totally counterproductive.”
What to do: Fear is talking to you
all the time. A key to drowning it out may
lie in simply talking back. “Positive self
talk is a part of cognitive behavioural therapy,”
says Miklos. “It builds up immunity against
fear, making you able to talk yourself out
of it. When we think something and speak it,
our minds shift and our bodies respond.” Positive
self talk also helps build courage. As Mark
Twain once said: “Courage is resistance to
fear, mastery of fear — not absence of fear.”
Hatred
What’s the score? When you
hate someone you’re basically saying you have
such a strong aversion to this person, you’d
gladly welcome some horrible fate to meet
them. You’ve likely taken a quality about
that person as an affront to your own values,
or maybe they bring to the surface some of
your own insecurities. So you avoid them,
you gossip about them and try to help others
into hating them too. Hatred is tied to both
fear and anger.
The fallout: You’re likely
doing more harm to yourself than to the object
of your hatred. “Anytime we hate somebody,
we have obsessive thinking about them. We’re
allowing that person or the image of that
person to control our lives. Sometimes to
the point where some people can’t work,” says
Miklos. According to him, in its passive form,
fear may cause you to ignore or avoid the
person you hate. But, the aggressive kind
can lead to physically harming the person.
Hatred also carries with it physical side
effects, such as cardiovascular problems,
high blood pressure, ulcers and headaches.
What to do: The first step is to
pay attention to how much time you’re spending
thinking about the other person, Miklos suggests.
If thoughts are becoming obsessive, you need
to get a little perspective. Forgiveness may
help. “Fred Luskin wrote in Forgive for Good
that it’s not about forgetting what the other
person did, but rather, it’s a gift you give
yourself,” says Miklos. If you’re harboring
thoughts of doing some ill deed, however,
you may want to speak to a counsellor to get
to the root of your feelings.
Guilt
What’s the score? After your
son reminded you for weeks of the date and
time for his next soccer game, you still don’t
make it. He’s upset and you’re welling up
with guilt. It’s the sense that you’re responsible
for something bad happening, for letting others
down, or that to some degree, you’re to blame
for someone else’s problem. Guilt is tied
to our cultural values of right and wrong
and can be a moral compass. If you’re a perfectionist
or have low self esteem, you’re probably more
prone to experiencing it.
The fallout: Brief guilt over a specific
act isn’t toxic. But recurring, or long-lasting
guilt can eat you up inside. It can lead to
depression, anxiety, a sense of worthlessness,
leading to negative internal dialogue like
“I’m a bad mother for missing Matt’s soccer
game.” A specific act suddenly becomes a blanket
indictment of you as a parent, daughter, colleague,
or friend.
What to do: Try to forgive yourself
and focus on the things you do well. Really
accept that sometimes you will make mistakes,
and that you can’t be all things to everyone.
Also, you’ll need to learn how to lovingly
set some boundaries, which will take time,
and may mean facing resentment from several
people in your life. It’s a slow process,
so navigate it with patience. If an underlying
cause is to blame — like low self-esteem or
perfectionism — a therapist can, through various
methods of therapy, help you to resolve those
issues.
View
more free articles.
|
| |
|
| |
|
|
